My Brain Explained.
"Im not talking too fast; Youre thinking too slow."
-Me, on phone with incompetent customer service rep., circa Summer 2003
Just got the results back from my QEEG. This is my brain activity as it relates to processing info from my surroundings, etc.. For those of you not in the know, slow to mid (A.K.A. "average" or "normal") would be blue/green/yellow... Fast is indicated by orange and red... Also of significance is it isnt just one part of my brain region... The whole thing is basically on warp-speed.
This is why I talk so fast.. Ive always said that my brain works fast and its just my mouth trying to keep up.. Im not on stimulants, and Im not "manic."
This is why I get bored. This is why I dont have time or the interest in dealing with stupid shit and wasting my time with mundane crap.
This is my brain coherence. Coherence addresses the connectivity in the brain, not just the tone or level of excitation. Coherence reflects the stability of the timing between two brain sites. If the EEG peaks and valleys have a constant phase separation, they will have a high coherence. This reflects the amount of information shared between the sites.
Lets take a second to focus on a key point... "between two brain sites." Each of those arcs.. is a single connection between two brain sites. My findings are technically diagnosed as "excessive coherence." (Which is why they are colored red and not blue, fyi.) I cant count how many arcs are there.. My brain is hyper-connected, stable, and this is the amount of information simultaneously being shared between these sites.. In a semi-mediatative state, btw.
Now, this is an extremely interesting image to consider, regarding the comparison of the first image, the nature of this site, and what this image indicates (which is what Ive said and tried to tell people, all along).
This image indicates that I am, in fact, not processing material in any emotional capacity. As a matter of fact, it demonstrates that not only do I embody logical thought and thinking.. I pretty much *define* it. The reason being... well, remember what I said about the absent and slow levels of processing being black, blue, etc...? Well, if you take note of the frontal region of my brain, that is where emotions are processed primarily. Not survival-based, instinctive drives, but the kinds of emotions that tend to corrupt all sensibility. As you can see, nothing in my brain (still functioning and at the same time as the other images were taken) is being processed within the emotional regions of the brain. Now, do not be confused and think this means I am devoid of emotional abilities or depth. Im actually very sensitive, highly empathic and acutely aware of other peoples emotional needs and states. Thats not what this relates to. This is how my brain processes what its working on, not how I feel or my emotional state.
The reason I say its interesting taken into consideration with the nature of this site, is everyone always things Im upset, mad, or somehow emotionally reacting to the idiots on this site, when it could not be further from the truth. While Im not predatory, I will gladly fuck with people who fuck with me. Its amusing. Its fun. And, its easy.I detest idiots and I dont like people wasting my time. Mostly, I find things (especially idiots) highly entertaining. I really dont even "fuck" with people, in an overt sense. I'm just letting them be stupid. Im laughing at them. Im not mad. All these things combined just make it fun to watch people or stuff like that.. Im harmless.. I mean, the mouse is no fun when it finally fucking dies, anyway. They tend to outlive their entertainment value. But, Ill use them for what theyre worth, particularly if its my entertainment, and I can share it with you.
Even if I raise my voice or whatever, Im still not mad. When a principal is raising his voice or using a stern tone while trying to get the attention, assert himself, get the point across to a bunch of chronic fuck-ups, whatever, he's not mad. There are reasons for escalation in volume and/or tone that are not connected to an emotional state. And, just because I tell you youre a fucking idiot, doesnt mean Im mad at you. LOL, Im probably laughing at you and just stating the obvious.
50mg - As Needed for Migraines
Xanax 2.5mg/day - Insomnia/Anxiety
Known psychiatric maladies: Complex-Trauma case. C-PTSD, ADHD*, DDNOS*.
*ADHD: Diagnosed at/around the age of ten. Treated with 50 mg Ritalin/day. Never effective at a level I or my mother could detect, though those around me (Read: teachers) indicated they could. It should be noted teachers also reported improvement when I was not on the medication, unknown to them, in somewhat of a reverse-placebo effect. Ritalin in non-ADHD individuals will resuly in increased energy, since its basically "Speed." This did not occur in me. Therefore, it is still viable to indicate that even if I didnt respond, my behavior was not consistent with someone who did not have it. I do have the symptoms of it, though these are also explained by me and consistent with other explanations... The QEEG results indicated by brain patterns did not indicate ADHD - however, due to the formula of comparison within the EEG, it does not mean I may not be ADHD (as according to the professional explaining this to me). So, it's included.
*DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified): Dissociative disorders are measured on a 5-level scale. I am currently at level 4, which is consistent with history and symptoms/behaviors, as well as most of my misdiagnosis, as well as the issue within the temporal lobe of my brain.
of note, even during these events, at one point a doctor's diagnosis
was that "there is nothing with her, other than she is tired of
everyone saying that there is something wrong with her." (Age:
...This is consistent with normal reactions of a complex-trauma case. e.g. An "Un-fucked-up reaction to a Fucked-up situation" responding normally to such.
Issues leading you awry:
I talk fast all the time.. during my court case while on heavy doses of tranquilizers, the court stenographer had to interrupt us (The D.A. and I going back-and-forth) twice, proclaiming "I can only type 300 WPM." The reasons I talk fast and my rate of speech is not impacted by medications or physical exhaustion, is that they are non-mental or psychiatric in nature, though emotional states such as high levels of stress or anxiety certainly intensify the effect. My mother has relayed to my psychiatrists and those evaluating me I have "talked fast since she learned to talk."
...Incidentally, Ive also always tried to tell everyone, Im not talking fast and its just my mouth trying to keep up with my brain.. and considering the above images so thoroughly demonstrate the speed and effectiveness at which my brain is functioning (again, in a semi-meditative state)... consider the fact that while its obviously using all available resources highly effectively and to their fullest possible levels... It also has a lot of resources at its disposal, considering I was tested by the Board of Education to have an I.Q. of 181.
Tell me... is it reasonable to expect with a brain working as illustrated, with that kind of high-octane, processing information so rapidly thats highly reactive and constantly assessing all things around it to express anything at a slow rate of speech?
The first thing the world needs to know about me, is you know and understand nothing about me, my mental state, or what Im thinking. And, even if you think you have me nailed by the content in this site (which really *should* be painfully obvious, particularly now that Ive explained it specifically...) keep in mind, Im highly dynamic, multifaceted, and very diversified... This isnt "me" as a whole, or anywhere near it. This is an aspect of me.. A piece of the pie. Like I said, talk to 20 people who think they know me and you'll hear me described 20 different ways. Furthermore, eye-witness testimony is generally the most conflicting and unreliable even though ten people saw the exact same event (e.g. car wreck, someone got shot) and the same event due to varied perceptions and personal bias will vary the story.. the one event. The one aspect.
Also, going to be a case study and working on a collaborative effort with my healthcare professional that will result in another book I am beginning, tonight.
(Updated version - Also started another book.. dealing with communication, relationships, healing, etc..)
UPDATED: 07.26.14 0329hrs
To all you fucking doctors who never listened and just wanted to cling to your bullshit subjective perceptions which directly conflicted with objective data for the sake of the simplicity and pure laziness of slapping a label on my forehead, shoving pills (that didnt work) down my throat and kicking my ass out the door... FUCK YOU.
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